


broken arrow

by thunderylee



Category: KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Homophobia, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2019-01-20 07:07:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12427521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: They say one in four men is gay. Out of NEWS, Massu thinks it’s him.





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**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck. written for butafest 2012.

The third time Massu gets dumped for being ‘disinterested’, he decides to break his personal vow of keeping his business to himself at work. His regular friends aren’t much help, just taking him out and getting him drunk, and while that’s nice for awhile, history keeps repeating itself with each new girl he tries to date. Maybe talking to someone in the same industry would be better.

In hindsight, though, Tegoshi probably wasn’t the best person to start with.

“Massu is just shy, right?” he asks helpfully, pausing to slurp his udon. Massu watches his lips and cringes a little at how obscene Tegoshi makes a simple act look.

“Lots of guys are shy,” Massu says, pushing his gyoza around the plate. If it were anyone but Tegoshi, he’d be coddled for this alone, but since it  _is_  Tegoshi, it goes unnoticed. “Besides, I call them and take them out and stuff. We have to be discreet, but it’s no different than any of you!”

Tegoshi shrugs. “It’s easier to just not go out, if you know what I mean.”

The implications of that statement are even more obscene, but Massu just shakes his head. “Not everyone is promiscuous like you, Tegoshi.”

“It’s not promiscuity if you’re in a relationship,” Tegoshi points out, then he almost drops his chopsticks as his eyes go wide. “You  _have_  had sex before, right?”

Now Massu’s eyes are widening, glancing around to make sure nobody heard before hissing across the table. “Keep your voice down! Of course I have. There is absolutely no problem in  _that_  department, thank you very much.”

“Are you sure?” Tegoshi asks seriously. “Maybe you’re bad in bed and that’s why they don’t stick around.”

Massu feels his face heating up. “It’s not that at all. They all say the same thing – that I don’t act like I even like them. I don’t know what I keep doing wrong.”

“ _Do_  you like them?” Tegoshi slurps some more and Massu cringes. “Maybe you don’t.”

“I think I do… did.” Massu sighs. “I don’t know. They always approach me first and I think ‘okay, I can try this again’, and I do my best to be a good boyfriend, but it’s never enough.”

“You’re not answering my question,” Tegoshi says. “I’m asking if you even  _like_  them. Are you actually attracted to them, for more than just their looks? Do you want to get to know them? Be close to them? Spend time with them just doing nothing? You know what it feels like to  _like_ another person, right?”

Massu blinks, thinking back on the girls he’s dated and how they all seemed to be interchangeable – with exception of the things that annoyed him about each of them, of course. “In that case, I didn’t like any of them.”

“You just haven’t found the right girl yet, then,” Tegoshi says, flashing a smile that instantly makes Massu feel better. “Tell me what you like in girls, and not the bullshit we feed the magazines. I have a lot of female friends.”

“I don’t really lie in interviews,” Massu says slowly. “I want a cute, respectable girl who likes to cook and has some of the same interests as me. She has to be clean and strong and smart, and most of all fun.”

“When you say ‘strong’, what do you mean?” Tegoshi asks. “Like sporty strong? Fit and muscular? Those kind of girls are rare.”

“Well, that’s okay too,” Massu answers. “I meant more like being strong in life, not too emotional. I can’t really handle a lot of emotions. Every time one of my ex-girlfriends would cry, I would get uncomfortable and it just made everything worse.”

Tegoshi stares at him for a long time. “So you don’t have any desire to protect the person you’re dating.”

“Like fighting thugs who try to harass her?” Massu replies with a laugh. “That kind of stuff only happens in dramas, Tegoshi.”

“That’s not what I mean at all.” Tegoshi’s shoulders visibly rise and fall with the force of his next breath, and Massu tilts his head in confusion. “I don’t know how to say this to you without making you angry.”

“Am I hopeless?” Massu stares down at his gyoza, which is getting cold. Reluctantly he picks it up and puts it into his mouth, because he feels guilty for abandoning it. “I’m never going to find love, am I?”

“Not with a girl,” Tegoshi says slowly, and Massu rolls his eyes.

“Who else would I find love with, a dog?” he replies sarcastically, then he meets Tegoshi’s serious stare and something clicks in his mind. “Oh.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Tegoshi rushes to tell him, putting down his chopsticks and giving Massu his full attention. “I just want you to be happy, Massu. If this makes you happy, then I’m 100% behind you. Figuratively.”

Massu laughs, half out of embarrassment and half out of incredulity. “Don’t worry. If I do like guys, you’d be the furthest from my type since you basically look like a girl.”

Shrugging, Tegoshi returns to his udon. “I’ve tried it before. It was fun, but I like girls better. No offense.”

“None taken,” Massu replies. “Am I actually sitting here having this conversation with you?”

Now Tegoshi laughs. “Aren’t you glad you are though?”

Massu thinks about this. He thinks for so long that Tegoshi orders a second helping of udon and eats the entire thing before he’s done. It’s really quite simple, Massu realizes. His past girlfriends were right – he had no interest in them. He kissed them and sometimes even slept with them, but he was just going through the motions. Up until now, he’d thought that’s just how it was supposed to be.

“Maybe I should try it too,” he says, absently popping another gyoza into his mouth. It’s delicious.

Tegoshi grins as he scrolls through his phone. “I know just the place to take you.” He pauses at what must be a terrified look on Massu’s face. “Not for that!” he rushes to add. “This is just beyond the realm of my expertise. I want to refer you to someone who can better help you figure things out.”

“Thanks,” Massu says, and Tegoshi shakes his head dismissively. “Seriously, Tegoshi. I really appreciate it.”

“Like I said, I just want you to be happy.” Tegoshi sends a message on his phone and returns his attention to Massu. “You’re treating, right?”

Just like his sexuality, Massu had never considered any other option.

*

The absolute last people Massu expected to see in Tegoshi’s living room were Kamenashi, Ohkura, and Matsumoto. His first thought was that there was a hidden camera somewhere, but Tegoshi’s not cruel enough to exploit something this personal for a prank. At least Massu hadn’t thought he was.

“It’s okay, Massu,” Tegoshi says, clutching onto his arm and guiding him towards the couch with the others. “They’re here for you.”

“This is a safe place,” Kame says, offering a friendly smile, and Massu relaxes a little. “It was Yuuya’s idea to meet here, since you would be more comfortable in familiar surroundings.”

Massu can count on one hand how many times he’s been in Tegoshi’s apartment (including right now), but he supposes it’s the thought that matters. He’s never been to any of these guys’ places at all, or even really talked to them outside of work obligations. “Okay,” he says slowly as he takes a seat.

“Idols don’t get the luxury of LGBTQ communities,” Jun begins, sounding like he’s giving a lecture, and Massu straightens in attention. “So we have to bond together on our own.”

“Basically, we’re all gay,” Ohkura says. “We give each other relationship support when our regular friends and group mates can’t understand or relate.”

“I’ve been waiting to see who in NEWS would join us,” Kame adds. “They say that one in four men is gay, so it was only a matter of time.”

“They always thought it would be me for some reason,” Tegoshi inputs. “I kept having to disappoint them.”

Ohkura rolls his eyes. “Not a disappointment, trust me.”

“There’s also Uchi,” Kame says, “but he doesn’t usually join us. He’s been in a relationship for a long time, and really all we do is whine and complain about not being able to find one of our own.”

“He calls us ‘the broken hearts club’,” Ohkura goes on. “Just because he went against our  _one_  policy and it happened to work out.”

“What policy?” Massu asks, feeling more confused than before. “What is expected of me here?”

“ _Nothing_ ,” Jun says pointedly, giving Ohkura a dirty look. “Tacchon is just bitter. The policy is that we don’t date anyone else in the agency. It’s just safer that way. Imagine if it  _didn’t_  work out and there was all of this animosity with someone you have to see all the time at work.”

Massu nods. “I can see how that would be troublesome. But I’m not even entirely sure I’m -”

“Oh, you are,” Ohkura cuts him off, and Kame reaches up to smack him in the back of the head. “What? Save him a lot of pointless self-reflection and  _wasted time_  and just make him accept that he likes dudes.”

“Not everybody is as indecisive as Kame,” Jun says, effectively shutting Ohkura up, and he turns to address Massu. “Kame took two years to admit that he was attracted to men, and it drove Tacchon crazy.”

Kame just leans back on the couch and folds his arms, looking unimpressed. “I wanted to be sure, okay. Not all of us are as confident about it as you two.”

Rolling his eyes, Ohkura reaches for the snacks Tegoshi had set out. “There’s nothing confident about being groped by Nishikido while trashed.”

“This is where I take my leave,” Tegoshi says, looking marginally uncomfortable as he gets to his feet. “Help yourself to whatever you’d like. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

Massu gives him a grateful look as he disappears, then fixes his attention on Ohkura. “Is that how you knew?”

“Yeah.” Ohkura nods and flops his head on Kame’s shoulder. Kame looks put-out about it, but lets him stay. “Turns out I liked messing around with another guy. It was kind of an eye-opening experience, you know? I’d always just thought I was supposed to be bored with girls.”

“That’s… that’s exactly how I feel,” Massu says, frozen with awe.

Ohkura smiles. “I understand you.”

Something changes inside of Massu, a weight lifted off of his shoulders or a beacon of light in the dead of night, some metaphor he can’t make sense of other than it’s a  _relief_. He looks at Ohkura and thinks of all the times he’s been told to ‘just try again’ from his friends, how bad that made him feel, like there was something wrong with  _him_. Turns out there’s nothing wrong with him and everything wrong with those he’d kept trying to force himself to like.

“I’m gay,” Massu thinks out loud, feeling more liberated than any time he’s been on stage.

“Don’t slap a label on yourself quite yet,” Kame tells him. “Just hang out with us for awhile and see if it’s where you want to be.”

“It’s so hard to date when you first come out,” Jun says. “Most gay men don’t want a newbie, or they just want to use you for sex, and they don’t care if they break your heart.”

“And here’s MatsuJun’s sob story,” Ohkura teases. “Always the mistress, never the girlfriend.”

“Shut it,” Jun hisses. “I wasn’t talking about me. I’ve always known I’ve liked guys. I just keep finding the same douchebags over and over.”

“At least you’re finding someone,” Kame mutters.

Ohkura sighs. “You both are depressing.” He turns to look at Massu. “Look, you should know going into this that it sucks. We can’t go to gay bars or meet people on the Internet because of our jobs. We have limited access to the gay community, and nobody in our industry has publicly come out yet.”

“As much as I keep telling Johnny the country is waiting for  _us_  to do it first, he won’t bite,” Jun adds. “He’s so old school about this kind of stuff. It’s okay to love who you want as long as you keep it behind closed doors.”

“To be fair, he doesn’t approve of straight relationships either,” Kame counters. “Unless you knock someone up and get married.”

Ohkura laughs. “Best part about being gay – you don’t have to worry about that shit.”

He and Kame pound fists, and Massu finds himself smiling. “So what do we all do together?” he asks.

“We do the same shit straight guys do,” Jun replies, sounding affronted. “Only we bitch about  _men_  while we sit around and drink.”

“Sometimes we go shopping,” Kame adds. “Except Jun and I aren’t allowed in the same store anymore.”

Massu laughs. “You probably don’t want to go shopping with me either. I take forever.”

“You’d shop well with Kamenashi,” Ohkura says. “I can get all my shopping done, eat lunch,  _and_  take a nap before he decides on  _one_  thing to buy.”

Kame’s pout has Massu rushing to invite him shopping the next time they’re both free, and Kame looks grateful as he accepts. Despite Ohkura having the most similar experiences as him, Massu thinks he and Kame are more alike. Even after only talking with him for a little while, he wonders why they haven’t been friends this entire time.

If someone had told him a week ago – hell, even yesterday – that he’d become best friends with the most unlikely members of other Johnny’s groups, he’d seriously consider their sanity level. But now, as he listens to stories of failed relationships and learned lessons in Tegoshi’s living room, he thinks anything but.

It feels nice to finally belong somewhere.

*

Shopping with Kamenashi, though time-consuming, is probably the most fun Massu’s had in a long time. It takes them nearly all day to get through the mall, poking their heads in every store that piqued their interest and trying on ridiculous things they would never buy. Massu doesn’t feel rushed at all; in fact, he’s disappointed when Kame has to leave for an appointment.

“Today was fun,” Kame tells him, flashing a smile, and this new feeling of happiness coursing through Massu is shocking. “Let’s do it again the next time we’re both free, okay?”

“Definitely,” Massu replies, and he feels on top of the world as he skips to the train station with no bags. He’d been too busy talking to Kame to consider purchasing anything.

*

“This should be good to start off,” Ohkura says, dumping a pile DVD cases into Massu’s arms. “I’ve labeled them ranging from ‘beginner’ to ‘expert’, so don’t jump to the next level until you’re ready, okay?”

Massu catches the picture on one of the covers and rushes to conceal it. “Ohkura-kun, I can’t have these kinds of movies in my house! I live with my parents.”

“Then come watch them at my place,” Ohkura replies, and Massu gapes at him. “You have to know how this works, Masuda. You don’t want to be surprised in the heat of the moment.”

“Isn’t that what happened to -” Massu starts to ask, then decides he doesn’t want to know. “Fine, but you can’t be there.”

“Obviously.” Ohkura nonchalantly pulls a key off of his key ring and holds it out to Massu. “Eito is filming on location for a couple weeks. Replace what you eat and don’t jerk off in my bed.”

Massu feels marginally traumatized as he holds gay porn and a key to Ohkura’s apartment in his hands. “You barely know me.”

“Oh, please, I’ve known you for years.” Ohkura rolls his eyes. “Just because we’re not besties doesn’t mean I can’t trust you. Besides, I was once you, okay? And I wish someone had sat me down and told me what to expect.”

Despite his apprehensions, Massu finds himself smiling. “Thanks, Ohkura-kun.”

“That’s what we’re here for,” Ohkura tells him. “One day we’ll induct another member and you can pass on what you’ve learned too. Like this, each other’s support is really all we have.”

Massu thinks Ohkura has odd ways of providing ‘support’, but he supposes it’s the thought that counts. “Okay.”

He almost drops the DVDs when Ohkura claps him on the shoulder, flashing a dirty grin. “My personal favorite is the one with the cops.”

Massu can’t make eye contact with any police officers for the rest of the day.

*

Jun doesn’t have a lot of free time, but he constantly emails Massu with links to articles and news stories surrounding LGBTQ issues. Massu reads them all, finding himself nodding along to these bloggers in search of social justice, and he feels like he has much more than three other people to relate to.

“Hey,” Tegoshi approaches him after a NEWS recording. “Everything going okay?”

“Yeah,” Massu answers, and it’s the truth. “Everything is wonderful.”

Tegoshi grins and hugs him, which earns the attention of the other two. “Haven’t you harassed Massu enough?” Shige calls out from across the room.

“You jealous?” Tegoshi replies, abandoning Massu’s shoulders to run to Shige, who makes a pained ‘oof’ noise as Tegoshi jumps right into his lap. “It’s okay, Shige, I still love you too.”

“What about me?” Koyama asks, pouting as he stands behind Shige’s chair and wraps his arms around them both. “Don’t leave out your leader~”

Massu watches them and wonders how  _he_  was the one who ended up gay. “So, um, guys,” he starts, flinching a bit at the way they all break apart to give him their undivided attention. “I, uh, don’t like girls.”

Tegoshi grins proudly while Shige stares and Koyama looks confused. “Massu is happy now, right?” Tegoshi asks.

One firm nod has Koyama’s face lighting up. “Whatever makes Massu happy I will support,” he says, and Massu’s heart feels a little bigger at the unconditional acceptance.

Until Shige speaks. “You’re gay?”

“Yeah,” Massu replies. “Is that a problem?”

“Well, no, just…” Shige trails off, staring at the floor. “We’ve been friends for years, and you never said anything.”

“I didn’t know until recently,” Massu tells him, playing with his fingers as he tries to explain. “I kept trying to date girls, getting frustrated when it never worked out, and it turns out that was why. It was actually Tegoshi who helped me realize it.”

Tegoshi beams, but then he’s on the receiving end of Shige’s glare. “Of course it was.”

“Shige,” Koyama says sternly, and Massu frowns at the annoyed look on Shige’s face. “I know you don’t support this kind of lifestyle, but -”

“What?” Massu cuts him off, staring expectantly at Shige. “Say that to my face.”

Tegoshi jumps up to grab his arm. “Massu, calm down.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend,” Massu goes on, shaking off Tegoshi. “Why does it matter who I’m attracted to? Be happy for me like everyone else.”

“I’m not going to be happy for you because you choose to lead a miserable life,” Shige blows up as he gets to his feet. “Nothing good can come out of this, for you or for this group.”

“Shige,” Koyama says again, and this time he pushes Shige back by his shoulders and stares into his eyes. “Massu’s life is his own concern, and the fate of this group is my concern, not yours.”

“Right, I forgot,” Shige says sarcastically. “I’m just going to get dragged down with the rest of you when news of this leaks out.”

“No news will be leaking,” Massu tells him, his voice coming out calmer than he expected. “I don’t plan on making a statement or anything. I just wanted the three of you to know, because you’re important to me. I haven’t even told my parents yet.”

“Massu,” Koyama says, his tone changing drastically as he lets go of Shige to pull Massu into his arms. “We love you no matter what, don’t forget that. Even Shige.”

Massu stares past him at the man who’s been his close friend for so long. “Is that true, Shige?”

Sighing, Shige looks like he’s forcing himself to meet Massu’s eyes. “I guess, as long as nobody finds out. Just… don’t stand too close to me. Please.”

Koyama gasps. “ _Shige_.”

“No, it’s fine,” Massu stops him and turns to Shige. “I appreciate your honesty.”

“I’m disappointed in you,” Koyama says to Shige. “I thought you were better than this.”

“Leave him alone,” Massu tells Koyama, who gives him a questioning look. “I don’t want to cause a rift in our group. We’ve already been through too much.”

Shige looks grateful, and Tegoshi is uncharacteristically quiet as they get back to work. Massu can fool himself into thinking that everything’s okay, even if he’s suddenly aware of the distance between him and Shige – and not just physically.

“I never thought I would lose a friend over this,” he tells Kame when the four of them meet up later, and for the first time in years, he cries into someone else’s shoulder.

*

The blow of coming out to his parents is cushioned by the fact that Massu’s mother is a huge Arashi fan. Jun’s happy to tag along for moral support, neither admitting nor denying anything about himself, though he laughs good-naturedly when Massu’s father asks if Jun is his boyfriend.

“I don’t have a boyfriend yet, Dad,” Massu answers. “But I will someday.”

“I’m so surprised,” Massu’s older sister says. “You don’t even look gay.”

“How does one  _look_  gay?” he challenges her, and she shrugs.

“Thank you for taking care of my son during this rough time,” Massu’s mom says to Jun, bowing her head. “He’s lucky to have such a nice friend like you.”

Jun’s trying not to smile. “It’s nothing. We just want him to be happy.”

“When you get a boyfriend,” Massu’s father says, “I want to meet him. Bring him home properly, you understand?”

“Yes sir,” Massu replies as he remembers why he loves his family so much. “It’s difficult to meet guys like this, so it may not be for awhile.”

“I know some gay men,” his sister offers. “I even work with one.”

“I don’t think I want to date anyone my sister knows,” Massu says slowly. “But thank you for the thought.”

“I’ll keep my ears open to the gossip,” his mom says. “I can’t be the only mother with a gay son in this town.”

“Just… keep it discreet, okay?” Massu tells her. “My job can be compromised if this gets out.”

“That’s bullshit,” his dad says, so strongly that Massu jumps at the tone. “It shouldn’t matter to anyone who you like. If your fans are really your fans, they’ll support you no matter what.”

“Your family is awesome,” Jun tells him as Massu walks him out, after Massu’s mother stuffed them with enough food to have them waddling to Jun’s car. “My parents just ignore it, like it’ll go away if they don’t pay attention to it.”

“We’re a relaxed group of people,” Massu says. “Though I’d rather  _they_  be upset with me than my best friend.”

Jun frowns. “Yeah, I had a similar problem with Nino when I first came out, but he got over it. These guys can’t help how they’re raised, you know? All we can do is hope that eventually they’ll abandon their parents’ teachings and form their own ways of thinking.”

Massu thinks about this long after Jun leaves. NEWS means the world to him, and Shige is part of that. He sincerely hopes that Jun is right, because he doesn’t know how long he can stand sharing breathing space with a homophobic idiot.

*

It’s near the end of Ohkura’s business trip when Massu finally gathers the courage to go over to his apartment. With the movies in tow, he holds his head high and inserts the key in the lock, muttering the entry phrase even though there’s nobody else there.

Except that there is, and DVD cases clang against the floor as Massu finds Kame lounging on Ohkura’s couch.

“Oh hey,” Kame calls out, flashing a smile over his shoulder at him. “I didn’t know Tacchon gave you a key too.”

“I…” Massu scrambles to pick up the movies and hide them as Kame stands to greet him. “I didn’t expect anyone else to be here.”

Kame’s smile falls as he eyes Massu in concern. “What’s wrong? Did something happen? I can send Ueda to talk to Kato if you need me to. He can be scary.”

“No, I’m just…” Massu trails off, then closes his eyes as he places the DVDs on the counter. “I’m really embarrassed. Ohkura-kun gave me these to watch and told me to do it over here and I’ve spent  _two weeks_  talking myself into it-”

“ _Calm down_ ,” Kame says, and Massu opens his eyes to find Kame flipping through the titles. “He seriously told you to watch this shit?”

“Are they bad?” Massu asks, feeling a little better now that Kame’s not going to make fun of him.

Kame shrugs. “It’s  _porn_ ,” he answers, setting the DVDs neatly in a stack, and Massu notices they’re now alphabetized. “Does nothing for me personally. It’s so fake.”

“I think the point was to, um, show me how it’s done.” Massu bites his lip at the admission, lifting his hands to cover his face.

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Kame replies, and Massu feels gentle fingers tug on his arms. “I mean, where else are you going to put it?”

Massu cringes, wishing he didn’t know the answer to this question.

“The most important thing to remember is lubrication,” Kame says. “If you’re prepared well enough, it doesn’t hurt. In fact, it can feel really good.” He glances towards the movies again. “And nobody has sex like in pornos. It’s so void of any kind of emotion. I much prefer literature. If you want, you can borrow a few of my books.”

“Okay,” Massu agrees, mostly because he wants to end the discussion.

“You look really traumatized.” Kame gives him a sympathetic look. “Come on, forget about gay sex and let’s mock straight-people movies. The Twilight saga just started.”

Massu makes it ten minutes before he wonders why he ever thought he was attracted to women. Bella is cute enough, but the way she behaves is so off-putting. They spend most of the movie making fun of her, and Massu’s having such a good time that he has no problem going right into the sequel.

“If I had to sleep with anyone in this cast, it would definitely be Jasper,” Kame says. “He can do that emotion-sensing thing and make it even _better_.”

“I don’t know,” Massu replies, seriously thinking about it. “I think I’d have to go with Jacob.”

“Ooh, werewolf sex,” Kame teases. “Maybe you should watch Tacchon’s movies after all.”

Massu just laughs and leans back on the couch, stretching his muscles after a few hours of sitting, and when he looks back down, Kame’s head is in his lap. This is nothing new, though Massu never had such a strong urge to stroke Tegoshi or Koyama’s hair when they lay in his lap.

He stops paying attention to the movie, which isn’t really a big loss as it’s much more enjoyable solely from Kame’s commentary. At one point Kame stops talking and rolls over onto his back, and it takes Massu a second to realize he’s being looked at.

“What are you thinking about?” Kame asks quietly. There’s a lock of hair in his face and Massu’s hand is itching to push it to the side.

“Nothing really,” Massu replies, and he’s focusing so much on his words that his hand lifts to Kame’s forehead before he can stop it.

His fingers stay in Kame’s hair, tentatively grazing his hairline as Kame just stares at him. Neither one speaks, even when Kame’s hand encircles Massu’s wrist and tugs it down, and Massu feels guilty for as long as it takes for Kame’s fingers to intertwine with Massu’s, the most intimate type of hand-holding.

Then Kame sits up, bringing their joined hands to Massu’s face, and all of Massu’s anxiety channels into passion as Kame leans in to press their lips together. He hadn’t known how badly he wanted to kiss Kame until he was doing it, tilting his head to claim Kame’s mouth, and the soft moan sounding from Kame’s throat as their tongues touch ignites Massu’s nerves in an unfamiliar way.

“Wait,” he finds himself saying, his mind overrun with Jun’s cautionary words. “Doesn’t this go against the policy?”

“The policy is bullshit,” Kame replies, dragging his lips down Massu’s jaw to his neck, which automatically stretches to give him more access. “There’s no better way to learn than by doing.”

A surge of fear courses through Massu’s body, but the way Kame sucks on his neck seems to squelch it. “Okay,” he agrees, and his arousal soars when Kame lowers him to the couch. “What do I do?”

“Just lie there,” Kame whispers into his skin, and Massu arches from the sensations. “It’s okay if you want to touch me, but you don’t have to.”

Now that Kame has put the idea in his head, he can’t think of anything else. His hands go straight for the hem of Kame’s shirt at the same moment Kame urges Massu’s off, and Massu takes a second to appreciate the muscles of Kame’s shoulders and flat chest as Kame places their shirts neatly at the other end of the touch.

“Yeah,” Massu says out loud. “I definitely like men.”

Kame’s deep laugh stirs his arousal and it’s Massu who pulls him back down, kissing him deeply because that’s the one thing he knows how to do. It’s different with a man, more rough and angled and Kame’s spicy cologne tickles his senses. All of that just makes him want more.

Each of Kame’s touches feels like an electric shock, those fingers trailing down his chest and Massu shudders as they get closer to his belt. Kame pauses and Massu wants to tell him it’s okay, except that he doesn’t want to stop kissing him to speak and settles for looping his arms around Kame’s waist to pull him closer.

Something hard pokes his thigh and Massu gasps, which has Kame laughing again as he pulls back enough to speak. “There’s something new, huh?”

All Massu can do is nod, distracting himself by chasing Kame’s tongue around his mouth as Kame unfastens Massu’s pants and grinds against his leg. Massu’s so hot that he’s grateful for the disrobing, kicking off the rest of his clothes the minute Kame gets his zipper down, and rushes to do the same thing to Kame. Feeling hair on someone else’s legs is such a surreal experience, one Massu discovers he likes as he explores the back of Kame’s thighs that straddle his waist.

His breath hitches as Kame’s erection bumps his and it’s an entirely unprecedented feeling. His moan is belated and one of his hands drops from Kame’s waist, boldly circling his hip and wrapping around the hard length that twitches at his touch.

Kame’s moan seems to vibrate Massu’s entire body and it encourages him to move, stroking Kame from base to tip and it’s even more surreal to be touching a cock that isn’t his. Kame kisses him harder and reaches for Massu’s length, which has Massu arching once more and groaning into Kame’s mouth.

They’re even louder when Kame breaks their kiss, burying his face into Massu’s neck and rocking back and forth to push into Massu’s hand. “Feel good?”

Massu grunts and rocks up, urging Kame’s hand to move faster, and he feels his own hand pulled closer instead. Then Kame nudges it open and hard flesh rubs against his, making him choke on his next breath as Kame squeezes them both together.

“Oh my god,” Massu gasps, his free hand tightening on Kame’s thigh from the tension. “I’m not going to last very long.”

“That’s okay,” Kame whispers, panting into Massu’s neck as he interrupts himself with a moan. “We’re not going to have sex. You should save that for someone you love.”

Confusion sets in, but before Massu can make sense of it, Kame’s fisting the heads of their cocks and his world becomes blinded with white. He feels Kame’s cock throb against his and a second spurt of come hits Massu’s belly, followed by a low groan that echoes in his head for long after it’s over.

“You all right?” Kame mumbles, making a valiant effort to push himself up.

Massu tries to smile through his wrinkled nose. “I really want a shower.”

“Tacchon has a jacuzzi tub,” Kame says with a laugh, and the next second has him leading Massu down the hallway. It’s sweet the way Kame washes him, careful and attentive, the gesture drawing Massu back to Kame’s mouth. They kiss until their skin is wrinkled from the water, the jets keeping it warm and Massu feels like they’re in their own little world, where they can be NEWS’ Masuda Takahisa and KAT-TUN’s Kamenashi Kazuya who can kiss as much as they want and nobody is bothered by it.

Reality has to return eventually, though, and Massu tries not to feel disappointed as Kame wraps him in one of Ohkura’s fluffy towels and they return to the living room for their clothes.

They’re greeted by Ohkura spinning Massu’s cartoon boxers on one finger, looking entirely too amused for someone who’s half asleep. “Are you that hard up, Kame?”

“Shut up, it just happened,” Kame snaps, shoving Ohkura out of the way as he gets dressed. “I can’t believe you gave him  _gay porn_  to watch.”

Ohkura shoves him back. “What? It’s informative.”

“Um,” Massu speaks up, earning the attention of the other two. “Can I have my pants, please?”

“Technically it’s not breaking policy if we’re not dating,” Kame goes on, pulling his shirt over his head. “Policy only applies to dating.”

“You’re not dating,” Ohkura repeats, sounding like he doesn’t believe Kame for one second.

“We’re not,” Massu insists. “We were watching Twilight, and it just happened.”

Ohkura makes a face. “You had sex during Twilight?”

“New Moon,” Kame corrects. “And there was no sex. Not that it’s  _any of your business_.”

“Oh, well if there was no sex,” Ohkura says sarcastically, then eyes Kame. “You don’t like Masuda at all?”

“Not like that,” Kame replies, and Massu’s surprised at how much it stings. “He was all freaked out about watching your dirty pornos, Tacchon. I wanted to help him get used to being with another man.”

Ohkura makes a noncommittal noise, then steps toward Massu. “If you don’t like him, then you won’t mind me doing this.”

Then Ohkura’s lips are on his and Massu’s so shocked that he drops his towel. Ohkura’s a demanding kisser, licking his way inside Massu’s mouth and Massu has no choice but to let him in, unconcerned about his nudity as Ohkura’s hands slip down his back to the flesh of his ass.

“ _Okay_ , you’ve made your point,” Kame says from the sidelines as he pulls Ohkura away, shoving Massu’s clothes into his arms. “Don’t take advantage of him.”

“Because that’s not what you did  _at all_ ,” Ohkura replies, laughing as he shakes his head. “I’ve had a long trip, guys, so I’m going to turn in. Stay over if you want, just don’t steal the covers.”

“I’m going to go,” Massu says, only feeling a little sheepish as he buttons his pants. “Kamenashi-kun, thanks for the… lessons.”

Kame laughs and shakes his head. “Anytime.”

“Freaks,” Ohkura mumbles, offering a finger wave as Massu heads to the door.

No matter how much hip-hop he plays on the way home, he can’t forget how he’d felt when he and Kame were together, which was everything he  _didn’t_  feel when Ohkura kissed him.

*

Massu’s in the middle of working with NEWS when Matsumoto Jun storms into the room. “I need to borrow Masuda,” he announces, grabbing Massu by the arm and pulling him into the hallway.

The other three just nod, because nobody questions Arashi. Even the juniors in the next room pay no mind to how Jun manhandles Massu all the way into the closest storage closet, where he pulls on the light bulb string and flips over a bucket to straddle.

“This is how rumors get started,” Massu points out. “And it’s really dirty in here.”

“What’s dirty is you fucking Kamenashi,” Jun says, narrowing his eyes. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”

“There was no… fucking,” Massu forces out the vulgar word. “He said I should save that for someone I love.”

“Nice choice of words,” Jun tells him. “When I first came out, everyone who touched me became someone I love.”

Massu pauses to process that statement. “What are you implying?” he finally asks.

“Don’t fall in love,” Jun says sternly. “Kame should have known better, but he wasn’t exactly thinking with his brain. It was casual and that’s all it will be between you two.”

Shrugging, Massu grabs onto his arms to keep from touching any of the walls. “Okay. Can we get out of here now?”

“I’m serious, Masuda. You’re only going to get hurt if you fall for someone at work.”

Something clicks in Massu’s head, and he leans down to speak more quietly. “Which one of them broke your heart?”

“That’s not your business.” Jun sighs, then makes a face. “It really is gross in here. How does Tacchon stand it?”

Massu doesn’t want to know why Ohkura hangs out in storage closets and takes this as his cue to leave. He must look flustered when he returns to the meeting room, because Koyama’s eyebrows are raised and Shige looks annoyed.

“Can’t you save your trysts until after work?” Shige asks, and Tegoshi turns to glare at him.

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m hooking up with every man I leave the room with,” Massu snaps back. “Jun and I are friends. He’s concerned about another friend of ours. That’s why he needed to talk to me right away.”

It’s not a lie, which is why Massu pulls it off. Shige’s not looking at him anyway, focusing on the papers in front of him while Koyama gives Massu an apologetic look. Massu just shrugs and returns to the business at hand, the four of them falling easily into their relaxed camaraderie at the comfortable topic of NEWS.

At the end of the meeting, Tegoshi suggests going out for ramen and Massu briefly catches Shige’s eye, a hopeful second in which Massu thinks his old friend may have seen the error of his ways and want to spend time with him again, but then Shige’s shaking his head.

“I can’t,” he says, packing up his things and taking his leave. “See you at our next meeting.”

The door closes behind him and Massu bangs his head on the table. “I am breaking our group up. Again.”

“No you’re not,” Koyama says, pulling him back up by his shoulder. “Shige’s just being stubborn. I’ll talk to him. He can’t -”

“I’ve already talked to him,” Tegoshi speaks up. “He’s not going to budge. You know how his parents are. Old-fashioned family values and all that. It  _pisses me off_.”

Massu watches Tegoshi’s eyes fill with rage and understands why he’s been so quiet when all four of them are together. “Don’t get all upset just for my benefit, Tegoshi,” he tells him.

“It’s not just for you,” Tegoshi replies. “It’s for gay people all over the world. I may not be one, but that shouldn’t matter. Everyone has a right to be happy.”

“Tegoshi,” Koyama says slowly, sounding amazed. “You’re so passionate about people you don’t even know.”

Tegoshi hides a smile. “Maybe it’s a little bit for Massu.”

“I’m fine,” Massu assures them. “I have a great network of friends thanks to Tegoshi. My family is supportive. My friends are… well, they’re a little too enthusiastic about it.” He laughs as he remembers the most recent karaoke trip where he came out to them and they all started falling over themselves to show how okay they were with it. “Shige is the only one who has an issue with it and honestly I don’t care. We’re not friends if he’s going to be like that, and if we’re not friends, what he does or says means nothing to me.”

“That’s so sad though,” Koyama says, hanging his head. “Shige and Massu used to be so close. We haven’t done anything as a group in a long time, and this is when we need to be bonding together!”

“I’ll talk to him,” Massu offers, “in a few months. Give him time to calm down and get used to it. He’ll realize that I’m still the same guy I’ve always been – I just like to kiss boys now.”

That has Tegoshi smiling. “Have you kissed any boys lately?”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Massu says airily.

Tegoshi sticks his tongue out at him, and Massu pretends to lean in and bite it. Tegoshi gasps dramatically, his eyes so wide that Massu doubles over laughing, joined by Koyama and finally Tegoshi as he recovers from the shock of Massu actually doing that.

“Now you two really are going to accidentally kiss someday,” Koyama gasps through his laughter.

“Maybe when I’m drunk,” Tegoshi scoffs.

“I told you,” Massu says, “you’re too much of a girl for me to be attracted to.”

That makes Koyama laugh harder, and Tegoshi actually looks offended. “Come on, let’s go,” Koyama says, slinging an arm around each of them as they leave the building.

Ramen isn’t the same without Shige, but the three of them conveniently don’t mention him and have a good time nonetheless. Massu envisions a future where he can joke with Shige like this, too, but that’s probably just the liquor talking.

Though he does end up kissing Tegoshi before the night ends, mostly from Koyama’s prodding, but even drunk he feels nothing. In fact, it’s almost annoying, and Tegoshi launches into a drunken lecture about proper kissing etiquette before he passes out on Massu’s shoulder.

And when Massu succumbs to his own slumber in Koyama’s bed, all he can think of is Kame.

*

He wasn’t going to take up his friends on their offers to set him up, but given recent events Massu feels it’s a good idea to try his hand at this whole gay dating thing. What he learns is that it’s basically the same as straight dating, minus the gender roles, and he’s even pickier with his men than his women.

Yuichiro is twenty-eight and works at a law firm, dresses sharp and keeps his hair tidy, but he has the weirdest sense of humor and his laugh makes Massu want to be less funny. After an hour, Massu pretends to get a call from his sister and blocks Yuichiro’s number from his phone on his way out.

Seiji is twenty-two and very flamboyant, his clothes giving Massu’s a run for their eccentricity, and Massu actually likes him until they kiss. Seiji kisses like a fish and as much as Massu keeps trying to change it up, he doesn’t budge. Finally Massu excuses himself to go to the bathroom and just leaves.

Within five minutes of meeting for the first time, Miki’s spouting off a list of kinks he likes along with ones he’d like to try, and it’s probably the only time Massu’s ever gotten nauseous from someone’s words.

And Takuya hates gyoza.

“What is wrong with people?” Massu explodes the next time he, Kame, Ohkura, and Jun meet up. It’s a small cafe, so he rushes to keep his voice down. “I have no idea what my friends are thinking, associating with those guys.”

“They’re probably thinking the same about you,” Ohkura says as he spins the straw of his drink. “You could have at least told them it wasn’t working out instead of just making lame excuses.”

“Can I have the first one’s number?” Jun asks through a bite of salad. “I’m used to idiotic laughter.”

Kame’s unusually quiet, and Massu notices his eyes locked on something across the room. “Do you see someone you like?” Massu asks him.

“Oh, no,” Kame says, shaking himself out of whatever world he’d been in. “I wasn’t listening, sorry.”

“ _Kame_ ,” Jun says, and Kame flicks a fry at him. “Don’t be jealous because Masuda has dates and you don’t.”

“I’d rather not have any,” Massu mutters. “Waste of my time.”

Ohkura nods at that, and they talk about other things until Jun and Ohkura take off to go work with their groups. Massu knows KAT-TUN is busy too, but Kame hangs back with him anyway.

“You like pasta?” Kame asks casually.

“Love it,” Massu replies.

“I make it pretty well.” Kame scrolls through his phone. “I have some time on Saturday if you’re free. I’ll cook.”

Massu grins. “I’m there.”

“Cool.”

“Cool.”

Everything about this is counterproductive, but Massu tells himself he’s in it for the food.

*

He’s actually relieved when he arrives at Kame’s apartment and Kame’s not the only person there.

“I’m telling you, Kazuya,” Uchi’s yelling from the couch. “As a person in a long-term relationship, you have to pick your battles. If you keep making up dumb reasons for not having a second date, you really will be forever alone.”

“Hi,” Kame greets Massu at the door. “Look who decided to drop by. I think he has my apartment smell-tapped and sparkly pink alarms go off at the first sign of tomato sauce.”

“Massu!” Uchi screeches, shoving Kame out of the way to fling his arms around Massu. “I am so happy for you!”

Massu raises an eyebrow at Kame over Uchi’s shoulder, and Kame shrugs. “Thanks, Uchi. It’s nice to see you again.”

“Come here and tell me all about your gay adventures,” Uchi says excitedly, pulling Massu towards the couch. “And congratulations for being the first one to throw off my gaydar! I would have never guessed you to be the one-of-four in NEWS. My money was totally on Tegoshi.”

“Yeah,” Massu says, scratching the back of his head as he tries to think of something to say. “There haven’t been a lot of adventures, really. Just losers.”

“I feel your pain,” Uchi says, clutching his heart. “Before I met my boo, I went through so many men that I practically held stock in Trojan. You’re using protection, right? There are a lot of diseases out there.”

“Actually…” Massu swallows. “I haven’t done that yet.”

“Oh!” Uchi exclaims, hugging him again. “Of course not, you’re Massu. I forgot who I was talking to. You’ll probably use like three condoms when you finally do.”

“You know that defeats the purpose, right?” Massu points out.

Uchi blinks at him, and Massu can almost see him switch gears. “Don’t give up, okay? As a person in a long-term relationship, I can tell you that you have to suffer through a lot of shit before you find the shine.”

“Is there anything you say that doesn’t start with ‘as a person in a long-term relationship’?” Kame calls out from the kitchen. “You’ve been with him for  _eight months_.”

“That’s eight months longer than you’ve ever had,” Uchi replies, then fixes Massu with unimpressed eyes. “Kame-chan finds something to hate about  _everyone he dates_  so that he doesn’t have to commit.”

He winces when Kame smacks him in the back of the head. “Don’t listen to him. It has nothing to do with committing. I am no stranger to commitments. Look at my resumé.”

“I’m kind of the same way,” Massu speaks up. “We’re just picky, right?”

Kame nods, looking grateful that someone’s on his side, but Uchi’s shaking both his head and his hands. “No, no,  _no_. You at least are open to the possibility of a relationship. Kame-chan will spend the entire time  _looking_  for a reason why it won’t work out.”

“Dinner’s ready,” Kame says pointedly, and Uchi shuts up for the next half hour.

Kame’s pasta is delicious and Massu’s stomach is happily full, but something is bothering him about Uchi’s accusation. He follows Kame into the kitchen under the pretense of helping him clean up and corners him against the sink.

“What was wrong with me?” he asks, staring him down.

“What? Nothing,” Kame replies, looking to the left of Massu’s ear. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“No really, I’m curious,” Massu says, folding his arms expectantly and blocking all of Kame’s attempts at escaping. “We’re friends, right? Just tell me. Do I moan weird or something?”

“Not at all,” Kame answers, and it sounds genuine. “You have one of the hottest moans I’ve ever heard.”

Massu swallows back a smile. “Thanks.”

“We weren’t together anyway,” Kame hisses. “It’s different.”

“Is it?” Massu challenges. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Kame bites his lip as he finally meets Massu’s eyes, and instantly all of Massu’s anger dissipates. “Happy?”

“I don’t understand,” Massu says, his voice barely a whisper as he processes the anxiety and vulnerability in Kame’s eyes. “You told Ohkura you didn’t like me.”

“I lied.”

Massu scoffs indignantly. “I have spent the past  _three months_  going on dates with every gay person I meet, just to stop thinking about  _you_.”

Kame’s eyes light up. “Really?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Massu replies. “Jun warned me not to fall for you just because we messed around, and dammit I did anyway and-”

The rest of his words are muffled by Kame’s lips, and by the time Massu’s brain catches up with his body, his arms are already around Kame and pressing him into the counter. The kiss is deep, desperate, and full of everything Massu wants to say but can’t put into words. Kame’s response is just as heated, going as far as to hop up onto the sink and wrap his legs around Massu to pull him closer as they kiss.

“Oh,” Uchi’s voice sounds, and Massu jumps away like he’d been burned.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Massu says before Uchi can launch into another lecture. “Just because I’m newly gay doesn’t mean I don’t understand my feelings or know what I want, and right now I want to be with Kame.”

He turns to look at the aforementioned man, whose breath is heaving while his face is vaguely tinted, and Massu relaxes a little at the pleased smile that forms on Kame’s lips.

“I don’t care that we’re both in Johnny’s,” Massu goes on. “We’re not in the same group, and it’s been  _eight_  years since KAT-TUN and NEWS did anything together.”

Uchi holds up one hand. “Save your rage, babe. I’m with you. And as a person in a long-term relationship with another Johnny, I am  _proof_  that the policy is what’s keeping you fools from being happy.  _With each other._ ”

Massu nods and takes a deep breath. He feels arms wrap around him and leans back into the embrace, holding Kame’s hands with his own, and Uchi clutches his heart again.

“You two are so precious,” he says. “I’m going to leave you alone now, okay? Thanks for dinner, Kazuya. Don’t worry about walking me out, and  _be safe_.”

He closes the distance between them to kiss both Massu and Kame on the cheek, laughing at Massu when he cringes, and flashes a grin before spinning on his heel. The second the front door closes, Massu’s blood runs cold with the realization of what’s about to happen.

“Relax,” Kame whispers, turning him around to face him, and Massu feels a little better looking into his eyes. “Nothing has to happen tonight.”

“I want it to,” Massu says bluntly, and Kame’s eyes darken. “Show me how it’s supposed to be.”

He reaches for Kame’s hand, but Kame looks back at the dirty kitchen. “But the dishes…”

“They can wait.”

*

“I’m sorry,” Shige says, holding out a wrapped package. “I made these for you.”

Massu lifts an eyebrow as he pulls open a corner and smells the delicious aroma of homemade gyoza. “You think you can just roll some meat in dough and I’ll forgive you for being an asshole?”

“No,” Shige mumbles. “But I was hoping you’d let me explain.”

“I don’t need to hear any explanation,” Massu tells him, grabbing his travel chopsticks and poking at one of the gyoza. “Do you accept how I live now?”

Shige nods. “Yes.”

Massu pops the gyoza into his mouth and closes his eyes to the exquisite taste. “Shige, these are to die for. Did your mother make them?”

“She may have helped,” Shige admits. “I’ve gotten really good at it, though. Being friends with you for so long as given me plenty of practice.”

“We have been friends for a long time, huh?” Massu ponders as he eats another gyoza.

Shige nods again, and he looks so sad that Massu sets the package down on the closest surface and pulls Shige into a hug. The other man doesn’t flinch at all, just squeezes him back, and that’s when Massu knows that it really will be okay between them.

“I’m so sorry, Massu,” Shige blurts into his shoulder, and Massu actually thinks he’s going to cry. “I’m a hypocrite.”

“I already knew that,” Massu says, pulling back enough to look at him. Shige’s staring at him, his expression unreadable, and Massu’s confused until Shige starts to lean in and Massu nearly trips over his feet to move away. “ _Whoa_.”

Shige jumps back, looking scared and rejected, and suddenly everything makes sense. “Shit,” he says, ready to bolt.

“No, wait,” Massu rushes to say, grabbing Shige’s arm. “I’m seeing someone. Or I would. Really.”

“You’re seeing someone?” Shige asks, sounding hopeful. “So it is possible to be happy like this?”

Massu grins. “Yes. Yes, it is.”

“Even for someone like me?” Shige goes on.

Sometimes Massu wants to punch the insecurity out of his friend, but for now he just guides him to the door. “I know just the place to take you.”


End file.
